I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
