dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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