Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
