If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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