He disabled his match.com account in front of me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
tell me about the eggs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
