Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
