Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
