I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
