We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
