meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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