did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to make a zoo with you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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