I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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