My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
