I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
