Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
