Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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