Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
