There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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