I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
