so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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