you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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