he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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