I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
