He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
