I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
