They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
