So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
