I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
