I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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