someone owes me an orgasm
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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