I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
