We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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