her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
