Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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