Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
