I will die if light touches me.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
