Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
