We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
