why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
