I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
