Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We're facebook friends in real life
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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