DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
