Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
