You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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