I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
