My first STD was from a foam party
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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