I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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