i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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