Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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