Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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